To the Small things in Life 11/17/15

Life is exhausting.

I've got a full course load, am working for two professors, going to group therapy, doing all of my work, and yet, I still have time to watch a ton of Netflix.

Maybe I should pick up a hobby? I don't even know what I'm interested in though.

I can't believe where I am in life. I don't mean that as in,"Wow look how far I've gotten!" I mean it more as, how did I get here? Why did I get here?

At group therapy I don't participate that much, not because I don't have something to say, but because when I say something, no matter what it is, even something helpful to someone else, I regret it.

I regret talking.

I don't know why though.  It's not that I regret bonding with people, it's just that I don't feel like I have the right to talk.  That my words, my feelings, and my thoughts are unimportant, that I have no right to let them interfere, even in a good sense, with someone else's life.

I don't think it's due to a low self worth, but I guess I'm not really sure what that truly means.

Maybe one day I'll get over it, that's what everyone does right? Get over their issues?

I actually said this in group today, the when I talk thing.
Curious as to what happened?
It wasn't acknowledged, one of the other members said something and the conversation quickly ran to them.

I don't think it was intentional.
In the debriefing the counselors mentioned it, saying that it took guts to say it, that I was opening up a bit to the group.  They said that they'd been wanting to check in on me through the whole time period of an hour and a half, the first hour when I didn't say anything at all.
No one did though.
You know the saying, "It's the thought that counts."?
I'm calling BS on that.  If they really wanted to check in, they would have come in during the lulls in the conversation.
It doesn't matter though, I don't know what I'd have said when they asked what was going on with me.
To be totally blunt with you, it's just me. I can't say for certain, but I don't think that I'm any different in a general social setting.  I don't say anything because when I do, I get noticed.
I want to blend in.
I want to be forgotten.

On a different note, I jumped in puddles today.  I mean why not? I was getting wet anyway.
It's been raining for two days now, tomorrow looks a little less like an outdoor shower though.

I walked to a meeting with one of the professors, we're working on a game for econ students, total downpour, my shoes were soaked and my pant legs were pretty wet too.

After group today I decide that since I was going to get wet, I might as well make the best of it.
I knew that I was going home, that I'd have a ten (10) minute wait in the rain while waiting for the bus.

When leaving the building, I stepped in a puddle, unintentionally. Cold water rushed into my shoe and I could feel the water between my toes.
Every puddle, stream of flowing water, basin of pure rain, I stepped in.
Not only did I step in them, I jumped in them, I kicked the water around in them, I splashed and I had fun, also took a video of a worm that was swimming along, probably dying now that I think about it..

But despite the looks from the other students, the fact that I was in tennis shoes, holding an umbrella, and mostly dry, I did it for me.

I keep telling myself to do something every few days, hopefully eventually every day, that's just for me.

No actual gain from it other than it was just for me.

If I'm going to be honest, I'm not doing so well at it.
I forget to do me.
I don't really know the repercussions of this, but I'm sure there will be some, maybe not directly, but I'm sure there will be some.

I purchased the tickets to go see my friend in December, over winter break. I still haven't told my parents I won't be joining them for Christmas, I'm not sure how.

I thought I'd get to see how they reacted to my brother saying that he would be working through Thanksgiving so then I could know what to expect. He asked me if I would be willing to go to an early Thanksgiving on Tuesday or Wednesday instead.  I told him I would.

I know vaguely what I want to say to them.
I want to say that I'm not skipping spending the holiday with them to hurt either of them.
That it isn't because I don't love them.
It's because I want to spend the break with my friends, I don't know that I'll ever have a more opportune time to just be with friends.
That I plan on offering to cook a dinner for them, a ham, oven roasted vegetables, hasselback potatoes, and butter and herb biscuits. That I'd make a dessert of an apple pie and peppermint bark.
We can exchange the meaningless gifts on the 18th and 19th instead.

By the way, previously my brother and I have gotten her a necklace or earrings for $15 from Khol's, and a few times ended up putting it on her Khol's card, meaning she paid for her gift, but this year, I think I'm going to make her a box of recipes.  Ones that I like.  Because sometimes I do care,  and sometimes I think that I can pretend just enough to make it look like that care is for them.
Granted I have no idea what to get for my father.

But I don't think it'll work.
I don't think they'd be happy with it, with me.
Maybe they'd see that barely any of the above is true. I would make them dinner, but everything above that, nah, nothing to me, I may not want to hurt them, but I don't want to make them happy under false pretenses either.

I have to try it though. What can they say, no, you have to be here?
Too bad.
I am my own person.

I may not know what the best decision for me is, but I do know that being around them isn't an option.

Here's to the small things, the insignificant things, and the things that matter most.
Here's to puddles, family, and Hillary.

Carson

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Finals Week? 5/14/15

Sooo this finals week I had four finals.
Not horrible, but not the best.

 One was optional, I didn't take it. (Obviously?) It wouldn't have helped me so I'm not concerned.

But yeah, Computer science was a disappointment, I thought I could do better than I did.  Here is where you tell me to quit complaining, big whoop, it pulled me down to an A-, oh well.

Audio/Video went swell.  I ended up really enjoying that class. I wasn't really interested in the production side of film making, more along the lines of watching, but I think it's something I could get into.

I think I most enjoyed the animation however.  My roommate came to me and was needing to make a five minute video over her English paper and so we spent a few nights, around 23-25 hours, working on an animation about Eugenics.

Not a great topic, we're both highly sarcastic and off the wall people, add in hunger from late nights, and a lack of sleep because it was due the Tuesday of finals week and you get an odd combination.

Perhaps I'll post a link to the video on YouTube in the comments.

Econ I didn't take, I'm sure my parents would be thrilled to hear that.  They aren't too supportive of a majority of the things that I do theses days.  (Nothing a normalish young adult doesn't do) I had an A in the class, so since it couldn't help me I decided to spend my time helping a girl on my floor prepare for her econ final later in the week.

Oh, big news. I got an offer from my econ professor to be his TA (Teaching Assistant) over summer. It's for International Agribusiness, a course that sounds like it'll be fun, plus I'll get credit for it and I'm all for graduating early.

Tomorrow is my last final of this semester, biotechnology, that one should go all right.  The previous tests weren't terrible, but who knows with the final.

I've got a few things left to do before I head back to my parent's house for a few days.  Return a textbook, pick up my summer books, and finish packing to move to my apartment.

Before leaving though, my roommate and I are going to see Pitch Perfect 2. We're both moderately stoked for that.  We're using it as one last fun time before we have three months apart.

I'm glad she agreed to be one of my roommates next semester.
We didn't really know each other last fall, although having gone to the same school from Kindergarten to Senior year.  It worked out though.  I wouldn't change it a bit.



Other news, I may be getting a cat sooner than I thought.  My mother found one at her office and no one claimed it.  I'm not real sure though, she seems concerned with how much it will cost, and yes I know  that's something to ask about, but I know that I'd be in a better place with a cat around.

Relying on one for so much in high school was detrimental for me this year. I don't think I would be able to do it again if I had to.

My brother was considering moving to the city I attend college in, only for a part time, but still, it's pretty cool having your brother around.

I realized the other day that we may be too close to each other though.  I was looking through my call logs trying to find one from a few days back and saw that we'd called each other several times per day in the past few weeks.

That's insanity for two people who don't like talking on the phone.

I guess we have to do something since we don't talk to our parents about life things though.

Life things...

I don't think I should go too much in to "life things" this time, I'll probably update in the next few days though.

I've had a rough few weeks, typing everything out seems to make it just a bit better though.  Even just for a little while until I go back to the real world.

For whatever reason, it's comforting to know this is out here, and somewhat more comforting to know that should anyone ever find theses posts, they could have a glimpse into my world.  Maybe offer some advice, or maybe just keep reading, not even letting me know they're following along.

It doesn't matter though, if you are out there, you can keep hidden, I don't mind writing to an empty audience.  The doors are open, if someone walking by hears and continues  on, that's enough for me.

Take Care.

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Spring Break! Or was it? 4/6/15

As a freshman in college, spring break couldn't have come fast enough, well, it actually came too quickly. I didn't have any plans of going down south, partying it up on the beach, and having the time of my life.  That's not really my style, I prefer books, clouds, and some alone time to relax. (And I did just that, it was amazing.)

However, for my spring break, instead of doing the stereotypical things, I went to doctor appointments.

Bah-humbug.
One week off, and four appointments.

Three of the four went as expected, nothing to note and nothing to think about for later on.  The fourth though, left me with questions that are burning for answers.

Back story: I've had daily migraines for the past 5 years, they started my freshman year of high school, prior to that they were frequent, but not overly so. I also had them when I was a toddler, but not quite as bad. I've been to four (maybe five, I'm not real sure) neurologists.  None of them had any clue as to what was causing them, it's not that common for 24/7 migraines.

I've been through all types of medicines, prescription and otherwise, Botox, physical therapy, IV medications, chiropractor, massage therapist, everything.

For the record, it gets really irritating when someone says, "Oh have you tried tylenol? It works for me. I just take two pills when I feel one coming on and I'm good for the rest of the day." I'm sure it does, I know you're trying to be helpful but really? Have I tried tylenol? Nope, hadn't thought of that. Thanks for the advice though, maybe it'll help someone just like you.

My current neurologist decided I should talk to someone about them since they were such a large part of my life.  Over break I talked to her, we reviewed a test I had taken, the MMPI if you're curious, it was normal, well, not totally.

 There were signs of social introversion, but that didn't really surprise me. I'm introverted, I like being alone, I like silence, and most of all, I enjoy my own company and if I choose to let you join me while I'm having some of that time, it must be for a good reason, if that's trust, or just because I want to get to know you, that depends.

I'm not abnormal, I like being around people, just not all the time.

That wasn't all though, I tested high on lack of familial bonds (probably not the right term but that's what I can describe it as.)

We started talking and she asked if I thought this was true, I said yes.
Her next question was if I loved my mom and dad, I said no.
This shocked her, it really did.
I didn't feel bad about saying it though, and why should I if it is the truth?

We pretty much stayed on this topic for the remainder of the appointment, talking about if I loved anyone. I do, by the way, my brother is fantastic, I don't know what I'd do without him.  We have a great bond, ironically enough, we have the bond because of the parents.  Maybe 'because of' isn't the right term, more along the lines of 'in spite of'. I also love my adopted Grandpa, Donny, and some really close friends.

As we were talking, she asked me what I thought of my parents and why, I didn't have to think too long about my response, I've known it for a while now, accepted it even.  I don't respect my parents as people. Not in the rebellious definition, but that if I were an outsider looking in, I would have no respect for their person, not in their lives, nor in the way they carry themselves, and certainly not in how they treat other people.

You may be wondering why I, a 19 year old, says that.  How disrespectful of my elders, right? Well, maybe I am, but if you know my reasoning, I don't think you'd say that.

A few phrases I used to describe my mom (I hate calling her that, she was never a mom to me, I called her blood elder for a while, and Lady Friend. Those both went over well.) are that she is a mental manipulator, a person who refuses to put others first, a person who doesn't care about those around her.

 She is selfish, even in her child's eyes.

When I was five, she had a double bi-pass (open heart surgery) with a 99% blockage.  She'd known about it for about a week, kept going to work, pushing herself to get that last bit of work done before she had to take time off for a while.

Well, one day, her heart decided it'd had enough.  She was one heart attack away from death.  She stayed at work for a few more hours after her doctor told her  to get to the ER immediately.  It was Friday, time sheets were due and she is a supervisor for a lot of people.

Work came first.
She got to the hospital, and waited.
When the doctor saw her, he said that he needed to start surgery right away, or she may not live.
It would have been his sixth surgery that day, she decided to wait until the next day, my father agreed.
There were some complications over night, but she lived.
That morning, she had her surgery, and lived.

But to a five year old, being told your mom was going to wait and may not make it over night so you should say good byes and I love you's, isn't that she's taking care of herself by waiting.

It's that she didn't care if she died, that she'd been around you long enough.  It felt like she didn't care about my brother or I by making that choice.

Ever since then, I have felt that each "I love you" to her or my dad was forced.  Empty words that will never hold any value when directed to them.

The doctor asked if I thought that she and my father loved my brother and I, I think that they do in their own way.

The destructive comments through my childhood from my mom, didn't help emphasis that though:
 "Suck your belly in, it'll make your clothes fit better."-- I can't count how many times I heard this as a child, even now actually and I'm a Size 1-3 in Juniors.
"Why didn't you get this? Your brother did."-- well mom, because I'm not my brother.
"You're not doing 4 projects for sewing? You shouldn't have wasted so much time during your summer."--I'm a kid, sure I like sewing but not when it's forced.  I'd prefer to do zero over anything with you around.

I quickly started dreading being around her.

I was excited when she was going to be out of town for work again, there were a few years where she'd be gone three out of four weeks of the month for work, some of the happiest times of my childhood.

She'd leave for work at 7am, get home from work at 6pm, go down to walk until 7:30, then we'd have dinner around 8pm, go to bed around 9:30-10. Repeat.

My dad? He was just as consumed with work.  Still is, he doesn't know how or when to quit working.  I guess that's what the two of them have in common really.

He has an office in our house.  The only times he isn't there is when he is watching TV in the other room, where kids really weren't wanted. Checking cattle, or when he was eating. We never did anything besides cattle shows together.  Even that was forced, I didn't want to do it, my brother didn't want to do it.

But we had to, our father was living vicariously though us.
That in itself repulses me.
He repulses me.

To close up that rant with a diagnosis from the doctor, emotional neglect as a child. Not the technical term of course.  She determined that when I was five, I built a shell around myself for protection, because of what I experienced.  That I grew up, provided and protected myself and my brother. Most of all, that I couldn't have done any better, it was needed, that my response was ideal, the only thing I could have done.

And my migraines, are because of the mental wear it has caused in the past 14 years of keeping that up.  It was in keeping my brainwaves in a certain way, that made the pain threshold lower than normal. She used a pair of sunglasses with a blue flashing light that would flash at the peak of the brainwave, to change it to normal brainwaves.

It helped, a lot.

She talked to me about how I could talk to the five year old still inside me, needing attention, needing to feel loved, needing to feel worthy of life.  Although I felt perfectly relaxed, I started crying, and I couldn't stop.  It was as if the tears weren't mine.  I didn't even feel like crying. I guess in a way, they weren't my tears, they were that five year old inside me's.  She was finally getting to talk, to express herself, because the doctor and I would listen to her.

I was advised to take up self parenting, nurturing the child inside me, stopping to look at the flowers, jump in a puddle, doing things that five year old me liked to do but would have gotten scolded for.

Also, to write an angry letter to each of my parents, explaining what they put me though, how much I detested being around them, and to let my five year old write part of it, to let her chime in on things that I may have forgotten.

To let go.
To be me.
To get out of the situation.

In a way, I started planning that when I was in high school.
I realized then, that I could never see  them again and it wouldn't bother me, and it won't.


--Carson

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Life's Ponderings 2/22/15

I thought it'd get better, I really did.  I'm on my second semester of college and I still don't want to be here...

All I hear is that going to college is what you have to do.  Well, maybe I don't have to, as children we are told that we can do whatever we want when we grow up, when does that start?

Sure, I get good grades a 4.0 last semester, my parents are proud of me, but I'm not.  I think that college is pointless, so I don't try.  I didn't apply myself at all last semester, I just did enough to get by actually.  

So why can't I keep doing that if it's so easy? Because it's a waste of my time. I didn't want to go to college when I applied, it was just expected that I would.  

I'm a double major, Informational Technology and Agricultural Economics.  I have a grad plan figured out for both majors, I'm trying to do this.  Every day it gets harder to get out of bed and "into the grind."

In high school I realized that I didn't want to work for people, I didn't want to work in an office, and I did not want to work a 9-5 shift for 40+ years of my life.  That's not living.

Last semester I realized one of the main reasons that I dislike college.  Parents, advisers, teachers, everyone, tells you to go to college, get a good job, make a lot of money, you'll be happy. They say that you can make what you do unique.  How can you make college unique when everyone picks a degree on a multiple choice form, takes the same base classes, and has a limited selection of electives?

We go to college not to become individuals, but to be taught how to conform, how to listen to what people say is how something is done, and not break that mold that we've been crammed into for the past 12 years of our education.  

If you don't work towards your own dream, someone will hire you to work towards theirs.  How does society expect to continue to grow when everyone is told to do the same things? Most employers look for the same things, and if you don't have them, you're out.  That's not how innovation works though, with innovation, you fail, you get back up, and try again, granted, you'll probably fail a few more times, but eventually, you won't and you'll be better off for your failures.

I don't want to be convinced to stay in college, get good grades, graduate, get a job, etc. because my brother did that.  Four years ago, he was in my position but stuck with it, he hates himself for not standing up for what he thought was what he needed to do.  

He listened to our parents instead, now he's encouraging me to leave.

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