Growth. 5/30/15

Shrug off the things that don't matter.  Want to know why? Because they don't matter, that's why.

Days can be hard, but that doesn't mean you have to worry about anything.

Think of the things you can change.
 Now don't worry about them, you CAN change them.

Think of the things you can't change.
Hey guess what, you CAN'T change them, so don't be concerned.

Okay, you're right, it's just not that simple.

Maybe it is though.  Imagine you're a week in the future, will it still be there?
There are, simplistically, only two answers to that.
Yes, it's still there, all right, so you need to find a way to cope with it, safely.
No, it's not here, well that's a good thing right? You're through the trouble, what's to dwell on?

All examples of what I've been telling myself recently.  I'd like to say it's starting to help, but I don't know for sure.  it's hard to say when so much in life is changing.

Perhaps, it's not changing, I am.

Actually, that's a good point.. Within the past few weeks I've done a fair amount of self exploration, sure, I've had some help, but all great explorers had some form of help.  If that was the people back home waiting to hear back, good or bad, they were behind the explorer, no matter what.

Now I know not all explorers make it back to their supporters, but I think I'm finally deciding I can make it back, that I actually want to make it back.

However, the journey back isn't all rainbows and sunshine, at least my journey back isn't.

My journey will be full of chaos, bad memories, maybe some anger, hopefully not, but maybe, and likely some tears.

But you know what?
I have people that want to see what I bring back, who I brought back.  I'd be crazy to think that I could go on an exploration and not change who I am.  It's natural.

People grow, they morph, they mold, they are impressionable.
I'm no different and quite frankly, neither are you.

I've grown, not in height, although that might be useful, no, instead my mind has grown.
Maybe one day I'll run out of space, doubtful, have you realized how much memory a brain has? No? Well it's a lot, like a lot a lot.

I've received some gifts from the locals, I'll let you figure that one out, one post at a time.

One thing, the knowledge that I do in fact want a family, I was born into a household, the only thing in common is the chemical make up of our body, and perhaps looks, I mean they did donate my chromosomes and genetic make up. I can't avoid that..

But you know what? Blood doesn't make a family, I don't agree with Webster on this one, "a group of related people including people who lived in the past."

Family as defined by me, is the people who care about you, those who you can be yourself around, your true self. Family means honesty, it means love, and playfulness.

Family is more than a group of people who didn't choose each other, through Webster's definition, family isn't a bond that was forged through fire and hard work, family is the results of paternity or maternity test to know your parents.

For me? Those parents aren't family.  They are strangers that I share a common ancestor with. I'm no more family to them than I would be to go to the nearest zoo and call the chimp my cousin.

That's not a thing.
So why do we call our blood elders family?
Because it's the norm.

I don't want to be normal.

My actual parents, or parent in this case, is an older gentleman who stepped up for two kids that needed to be reminded what love is. Donny.

He's great, when my brother and I were little, he would take us and pick us up from school,  no complaints.  He'd take us for a Friday snack, on a Tuesday or any other day, and Friday of course.

He took us to lunch at the local diner when we didn't have school, it didn't matter if it was elementary school or high school, even now in college he does when I'm home.

It was always a great day when I would get to sit in the tractor and mow hay all day with him.  Do you know how boring that is? I'd sit on the top of the wheel cover (inside the cab of the tractor) and hold onto the window latch and the armrest.  He'd make small talk with me, or sing to the radio (horribly, just like me) and we'd have hours pass, then we'd stop for the day and go home.

Donny is the type of old man, he's 87ish it's okay, to make little kid jokes. You know, the ones that are so terrible they're funny?
We'd be driving and a bug would hit the window, big enough that you knew when it hit and could see the juice on the window kind of bug.  Off handedly, he'd say," Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again." and just keep looking ahead.

Once he gets a laugh out of you for a joke, it's not going away anytime soon, and that's perfectly okay.

Donny is the family member that you love to be around, he is the best adopted grandpa a kid could ask for.

Donny gave me the experiences that a parent should have, the sitting on the floor and playing with your toys with you in the evening experiences.
The ones that don't mean a thing, but mean the world at the time.

My mom and dad didn't really have time for that sort of stuff.  My mom was out of town a lot, and my dad was always on the farm or in his office, so I know a lot about experiences that don't mean a thing. That comprised my entire relationship with my parents, if you can even call it a relationship.

But, I wouldn't change it.  I wouldn't want a mom or a dad that did that, I want to be that mom some day, but if I had that, I wouldn't have had Donny, and he's one that I would not give up.

He shaped me into the woman I am today, and I have learned that all things considered, I'm a decent human being. No better or worse that the next person. And that's what matters.

So that family that I found out I do want some day, I want to be the Donny that I had, for my kids, I want to be the best that I can be. I don't want to skip out on the play times, or the afternoon snacks, like my parents did, I am going to fill the same gap Donny did.

A family, just like Webster defined, but with my definition added in. Who knows, my definition will surely change over time, but I have experiences that will help me learn exactly what family really means, even if I can't put it into words.

Take care.

P.S. Yeah, two posts about my grandpa, he is just that great, no blood relation needed.

Continue reading →

Houston, we have progress! 5/27/15

Today I learned a lot about myself, actually no, I realized things I thought I knew had changed.

Hopefully for the better.

The things I learned may have been for the better, but I can't say that didn't come with a cost.

For starters, I realized that my childhood really bothers me.  Sure you may have realized it before I did but that's okay, I'll catch up to you soon enough.

I like children and I use to think that I wanted a few, that I'd be good mom eventually.  Now, I'm not so sure that that's the case, I still think I'd be an okay mom, but I don't want kids.

What scares me into thinking that is that I don't want to make the same horrifying mistakes that my parents made.

To say that I haven't thought about making sure my parents mistakes end with me would be a lie.

As a child you pick up on your parent's skills, or lack there of. I've taken some time to analyze what I could have acquired as a kid and either I'll be the same brand of screwed up as my parents, or I'll make new mistakes on my own.

But one thing that lingers for me is that I may not realize everything that they, for lack of a better phrasing, sucked at.

I also learned how much I didn't realize was not normal, and wasn't appropriate.

It hurts to have people, licensed physicians, say that my parent's were abusive.  I find it hard to come to grasps that some of the things that were highly common occurrences in my childhood, and in some cases still occur now.

I don't know that I'll ever totally accept some of the things as abuse, even though if I were seeing them in someone else's life they totally would be, because it's how they showed love, no matter how messed up that sounds.

I think I may actually care about my parents.  Not in the normal sense though, I care about them in a sense as you care about the person who just walked past you on the sidewalk.  You want the best for them, but you won't check in with them every few days to make sure it happens, simply because it doesn't matter.

That stranger could die tomorrow and you not lose sleep over it, because you didn't know it happened, or know them.

I do know that I care for my grandpa, a lot.  He was and is the parent I needed.  From picking my brother and I up after school, taking us for Friday Shakes even if it wasn't Friday, to coming to dinner when I'm home and making sure that I get a hug from some one who cares.  He is a great man, I feel bad for leaving him behind, I really wish he could have came to college with me. That's unrealistic though..

One way I know he loves me, in an honest love, is that he has a picture from every year of school for both my brother and myself in his house.  Not only that, but they are proudly displayed all over his house.

From kindergarten to fourth grade, my elementary school had something called grandparents day, where the students would be on risers, and sing songs to their grandparents.  Although Donny isn't actually related, he didn't miss any of them.  He has those pictures around his house too.

In fourth grade we did a project called Flat Stanley, I sent mine to him along with a letter and he was suppose to carry it around for a week then mail him back with a letter of what they did together.

Donny went above and beyond with it, he had Stanley sit on a cow, help feed the dogs, all things that are silly, but just barely believable.

Instead of keeping Flat Stanley myself, I gave him back to Donny, displayed on a poster and with pictures and the letters on it.

That hangs in his kitchen.

It makes me feel better knowing that I didn't grow up alone.
He was always there for me, even when I didn't realize it.

That's how I first learned what love was.
That's also how I learned I didn't love my parents and they didn't love me.

That's probably enough off my shoulders for one day, I'm sure you'll read about more of it another time though.

Take care of yourselves.

Continue reading →

This House is Not a Home 5/17/15

I arrived in my hometown on Friday night, in about two hours I realized how ready to leave I was.
Not being able to leave until Monday morning, I don't know what to do.

Reasons why this is not my home:

1. The people (parents) are not my family.

Upon entering the house I was greeted by my cat, She was very loving and wanted cuddled.  Out of character for her, but I hadn't been home in about two months so it was expected.

My father was in the kitchen and said he was glad I was home for a while, and gave me a high five. Later on, while playing with my cat on the floor, he patted my head and gave me a high five again.

My mother was no where to be seen, not uncommon, and not unwelcome.  I was not ready to see her.  She made her appearance sooner that I would have liked, but we can't all have what we want.

During dinner they asked how my finals went, I responded with fine, not really wanting to delve into mind numbing conversation. End of dinner time conversation.

My father was done before my brother or I had made our plates, both parents remained at the table until we sat down.  They returned as we finished wanting to talk about mom's work day.

Quite frankly, I don't give a shit about how her day went.

2. I don't like it here.

You may say that's normal after leaving for college.  Perhaps it is, but I don't think that on the drive home I should be wondering how much conversation for the weekend I can get out of by taking naps with the cat.

Between that, and what kind of games I can play in my head to spend some time.

Summery of Saturday, being woken up by mom putting a cat in my bed.  Not my cat.  Being told to get up. Reading until my friends graduation at 2:30,  I miss him.

It's hard to miss someone you haven't met, but for me, the connect was formed and it's one that I want to keep.

Mom asked me to go to Walgreen's and the Library with her.  I told her no. She wasn't happy with me, shocker I'm sure.  Wanted to know why, and I told her I was watching a friend's graduation.  She decided to wait until it was over to go.

We went to more than just Walgreen's and the Library.  Got home 3 hours later, went to dinner with my brother, and we drove around for about two hours.

3. There's nothing to eat

This isn't a change though, even in high school there wasn't any food in the house.  I would actually prefer dorm food or even high school lunches to freezer meals that she buys from Walmart and tosses on the stove, claiming to have cooked dinner.

Junk food in the cabinets, and prepackaged foods in the refrigerator.  I haven't missed someone else doing the grocery shopping.

Had cereal for lunch and dinner today, Sunday, it's a good thing I like cereal.

4. There's no privacy, at all.

Thought maybe I'd change my clothes in my room before bed, instead of in the bathroom.  I shut the door, right as I went to undress, my door was opened with my mom bringing the cat in.

Tried to take a shower, she opened the door asking me to use her shower so she could wash the cat.

Neither time was there a knock.
There never is in this house.

5. My room is not my room

When my brother went to college, his room was his.  We didn't enter it for any reason.  Why should we have?

Now that I'm gone? Nah, it's a storage room, I have security cameras on my floor, paper and notes all over my desk,  because dad's desk is full.  I have shoes of my mom's, clothes that need to go to a thrift store, things that need returned.  No mine.

My mail that I received, on the floor next to my bed.

6. Too little too late

They are trying, mom wanted to watch a DVR with me, dad wanted to talk and watch the baseball game.

Oh yeah, because that's bonding time.

I don't like watching TV.

It's boring, mind numbing, just like any conversation with them.

There's no substance, and nothing to gain.

Pointless.

We never did things like this when I still lived here, can we go back to those times?
I don't like them pretending to be my friends.  They weren't around when I was under their roof, why should they get the chance to be around me when I'm not.

If I really wanted to see them, I'd have come home between Spring break and now.  If my lease stated right as my other ended, instead of having a few day lay over, I wouldn't be here.

___

They're pushing things, decisions, and themselves on me, and all I want to do is leave.

They may be blood related, but I can't change that.
Family is not the genes that make up your DNA, or the ones who raised you.
Family are those who act like it, who deserve to be around you and who you want around you.
___

Tomorrow when I leave, I won't have left anything behind, other than my cat. I'd take her if I could though, but she doesn't do well on car rides.


Maybe I can make something of the rest of today.
Might as well give it a shot.

Take care.

Continue reading →

Finals Week? 5/14/15

Sooo this finals week I had four finals.
Not horrible, but not the best.

 One was optional, I didn't take it. (Obviously?) It wouldn't have helped me so I'm not concerned.

But yeah, Computer science was a disappointment, I thought I could do better than I did.  Here is where you tell me to quit complaining, big whoop, it pulled me down to an A-, oh well.

Audio/Video went swell.  I ended up really enjoying that class. I wasn't really interested in the production side of film making, more along the lines of watching, but I think it's something I could get into.

I think I most enjoyed the animation however.  My roommate came to me and was needing to make a five minute video over her English paper and so we spent a few nights, around 23-25 hours, working on an animation about Eugenics.

Not a great topic, we're both highly sarcastic and off the wall people, add in hunger from late nights, and a lack of sleep because it was due the Tuesday of finals week and you get an odd combination.

Perhaps I'll post a link to the video on YouTube in the comments.

Econ I didn't take, I'm sure my parents would be thrilled to hear that.  They aren't too supportive of a majority of the things that I do theses days.  (Nothing a normalish young adult doesn't do) I had an A in the class, so since it couldn't help me I decided to spend my time helping a girl on my floor prepare for her econ final later in the week.

Oh, big news. I got an offer from my econ professor to be his TA (Teaching Assistant) over summer. It's for International Agribusiness, a course that sounds like it'll be fun, plus I'll get credit for it and I'm all for graduating early.

Tomorrow is my last final of this semester, biotechnology, that one should go all right.  The previous tests weren't terrible, but who knows with the final.

I've got a few things left to do before I head back to my parent's house for a few days.  Return a textbook, pick up my summer books, and finish packing to move to my apartment.

Before leaving though, my roommate and I are going to see Pitch Perfect 2. We're both moderately stoked for that.  We're using it as one last fun time before we have three months apart.

I'm glad she agreed to be one of my roommates next semester.
We didn't really know each other last fall, although having gone to the same school from Kindergarten to Senior year.  It worked out though.  I wouldn't change it a bit.



Other news, I may be getting a cat sooner than I thought.  My mother found one at her office and no one claimed it.  I'm not real sure though, she seems concerned with how much it will cost, and yes I know  that's something to ask about, but I know that I'd be in a better place with a cat around.

Relying on one for so much in high school was detrimental for me this year. I don't think I would be able to do it again if I had to.

My brother was considering moving to the city I attend college in, only for a part time, but still, it's pretty cool having your brother around.

I realized the other day that we may be too close to each other though.  I was looking through my call logs trying to find one from a few days back and saw that we'd called each other several times per day in the past few weeks.

That's insanity for two people who don't like talking on the phone.

I guess we have to do something since we don't talk to our parents about life things though.

Life things...

I don't think I should go too much in to "life things" this time, I'll probably update in the next few days though.

I've had a rough few weeks, typing everything out seems to make it just a bit better though.  Even just for a little while until I go back to the real world.

For whatever reason, it's comforting to know this is out here, and somewhat more comforting to know that should anyone ever find theses posts, they could have a glimpse into my world.  Maybe offer some advice, or maybe just keep reading, not even letting me know they're following along.

It doesn't matter though, if you are out there, you can keep hidden, I don't mind writing to an empty audience.  The doors are open, if someone walking by hears and continues  on, that's enough for me.

Take Care.

Continue reading →