It's been a while, a really long while.
I guess you could say that things are going well.
Classes haven't been too terrible; I found out that I actually like finance courses. Wasn't a huge fan of accounting in high school, but to an extent, I really enjoy it now.
Things haven't changed a whole lot, I'm still avoiding various aspects of my life: the blood elders still don't know of Hillary, I haven't offered up any information regarding classes or work, I still have issues from time to time, but that's expected.
Two weeks ago the blood elders came in to town, not to see my brother or I, but because Rhonda had a meeting and Tim wanted to give her company on the drive. We did have dinner with them, but I am mildly proud to say that I had a nice peaceful dinner at a restaurant, mostly because I didn't engage in conversation, and "watched" the football game going on.
They didn't ask too many questions, I didn't provide too many answers. Tim wanted to hang out on Saturday, they got there on Friday, but I mentioned that I was studying for tests and had a group project to do. If that was a 100% true statement, we won't ask.e
I started group therapy.
It's odd.. I'm not sure it's the place for me, but hey, you never know where you'll learn something.
It's a relationship group, we meet on Tuesdays for an hour and a half. There are ten of us and six therapists, and we've had four meetings so far.
It's a bit surprising how much the ten of us have in common, and not just relationship building/mistrust things either.
One of the girls, there are only three of us, seems like an interesting person. I'd probably hang out with her if we could have contact outside of group.
In the group we talk about whatever comes up, sometimes it's things that are happening, dispelling social norms, or explaining how and what it looks like when our walls go up.
I'm not really sure what it looks like for all situations, but I know for me, with my parents one way a wall showed up was that I quit informing them of my actual habits. Sure they were still minutely interested, not enough to see that I didn't actually care about what I was telling them, but enough to still ask. As an example, Rhonda asked about my classes and if I like them, I responded with that I really like my literature class, not a total lie, I enjoy literature, but I didn't want to give up with what I'll call my little secret, I really enjoy economics. I'm starting to see that I could end up as an international economic corespondent.
One of my professors offered up an opportunity of holding a position to answer questions of Japanese students about the United States agricultural economy, there were ten positions open and I now hold one. I'm pretty excited about it.
I could also see being an econ professor though. Maybe I could be both? It's my life, why not.
Granted, what I'd really like to do, own a book shop or community library and not have to have a mentally challenging career. It may be weird, but I kind of like the idea of having a job that's a bit mind numbing some times. One that I care about, but one that doesn't exhaust all of my energy so that when I get off work, which I hope not to be a 9-5, I can still have me time.
That's a goal of mine, to not have to work all the time. I've seen what it does to a person, it's not a pleasant sight.
I'm (slowly) learning to let go.
Some days are still taxing: talking to Rhonda for 28 minutes the other day, that was really rough, but I made it a point to stay verbally cheery, even when I absolutely wanted off the phone. I'd like to say that it made a difference for me, I can't say for sure that it did, but I know that Rhonda wasn't near as audibly frustrated and pissed off at me as she usually is.
Later that day I felt like I had a bowling ball being shoved into my eye sockets, on top of someone rhythmically inflating a balloon inside my skull.
I wanted to just pass out for a few days, total darkness and silence, curled up with Hillary. That didn't happen, I had class, needed to cook dinner, and do some homework. Life doesn't go as planned very often does it?
Lately I've been thinking a a lot about how when I was little I wanted to be blind, it still seems viable some days. I think it stems from the light sensitivity, that if I could wear the glasses, not have to have my eyes open to walk around, it might be better.
I don't fully believe that though, only if it was a controlled blindness.
People look at you really funny when you wear your sunglasses inside while walking through Walmart, it made it a tad more bearable though.
I think it'll work out, it has to right?
Even if it's not how I wanted it to work out, I guess some day it will no matter what.
--Carson
I guess you could say that things are going well.
Classes haven't been too terrible; I found out that I actually like finance courses. Wasn't a huge fan of accounting in high school, but to an extent, I really enjoy it now.
Things haven't changed a whole lot, I'm still avoiding various aspects of my life: the blood elders still don't know of Hillary, I haven't offered up any information regarding classes or work, I still have issues from time to time, but that's expected.
Two weeks ago the blood elders came in to town, not to see my brother or I, but because Rhonda had a meeting and Tim wanted to give her company on the drive. We did have dinner with them, but I am mildly proud to say that I had a nice peaceful dinner at a restaurant, mostly because I didn't engage in conversation, and "watched" the football game going on.
They didn't ask too many questions, I didn't provide too many answers. Tim wanted to hang out on Saturday, they got there on Friday, but I mentioned that I was studying for tests and had a group project to do. If that was a 100% true statement, we won't ask.e
I started group therapy.
It's odd.. I'm not sure it's the place for me, but hey, you never know where you'll learn something.
It's a relationship group, we meet on Tuesdays for an hour and a half. There are ten of us and six therapists, and we've had four meetings so far.
It's a bit surprising how much the ten of us have in common, and not just relationship building/mistrust things either.
One of the girls, there are only three of us, seems like an interesting person. I'd probably hang out with her if we could have contact outside of group.
In the group we talk about whatever comes up, sometimes it's things that are happening, dispelling social norms, or explaining how and what it looks like when our walls go up.
I'm not really sure what it looks like for all situations, but I know for me, with my parents one way a wall showed up was that I quit informing them of my actual habits. Sure they were still minutely interested, not enough to see that I didn't actually care about what I was telling them, but enough to still ask. As an example, Rhonda asked about my classes and if I like them, I responded with that I really like my literature class, not a total lie, I enjoy literature, but I didn't want to give up with what I'll call my little secret, I really enjoy economics. I'm starting to see that I could end up as an international economic corespondent.
One of my professors offered up an opportunity of holding a position to answer questions of Japanese students about the United States agricultural economy, there were ten positions open and I now hold one. I'm pretty excited about it.
I could also see being an econ professor though. Maybe I could be both? It's my life, why not.
Granted, what I'd really like to do, own a book shop or community library and not have to have a mentally challenging career. It may be weird, but I kind of like the idea of having a job that's a bit mind numbing some times. One that I care about, but one that doesn't exhaust all of my energy so that when I get off work, which I hope not to be a 9-5, I can still have me time.
That's a goal of mine, to not have to work all the time. I've seen what it does to a person, it's not a pleasant sight.
I'm (slowly) learning to let go.
Some days are still taxing: talking to Rhonda for 28 minutes the other day, that was really rough, but I made it a point to stay verbally cheery, even when I absolutely wanted off the phone. I'd like to say that it made a difference for me, I can't say for sure that it did, but I know that Rhonda wasn't near as audibly frustrated and pissed off at me as she usually is.
Later that day I felt like I had a bowling ball being shoved into my eye sockets, on top of someone rhythmically inflating a balloon inside my skull.
I wanted to just pass out for a few days, total darkness and silence, curled up with Hillary. That didn't happen, I had class, needed to cook dinner, and do some homework. Life doesn't go as planned very often does it?
Lately I've been thinking a a lot about how when I was little I wanted to be blind, it still seems viable some days. I think it stems from the light sensitivity, that if I could wear the glasses, not have to have my eyes open to walk around, it might be better.
I don't fully believe that though, only if it was a controlled blindness.
People look at you really funny when you wear your sunglasses inside while walking through Walmart, it made it a tad more bearable though.
I think it'll work out, it has to right?
Even if it's not how I wanted it to work out, I guess some day it will no matter what.
--Carson