Becoming Human 6/21/15

I think things in my life are slowly starting to untangle themselves, I had a friend living with me for 12 days, having left a few days ago, that visit was a very eye opening time for me.

He helped me realize that although not everyone is willing to show me, I can in fact be loved.

I'm not sure he knows what he did and has been doing for me over the past few years, but if he ever reads this, I hope by the end he knows exactly what I mean when I say thank you.

When we first met, neither of us knew what our friendship would become, we were just two kids playing an online computer game.  There are several hundreds of thousands of people who play computer games, probably more than that actually.  But the night we met, was a turning point for both of us.

Although we didn't keep constant contact over the years, we have known each other for the past 5, only having met twice in that time period, including this most recent visit. Even so, we are pretty close to one another.

While he was visiting me, we got to know the little things about ourselves and the other.  I learned that he snores, and while I absolutely hated when my dad would snore, it was kinda cute with him. He has the habit of turning down the air every night before bed then complaining in the morning when it's cold.

I can't say I've ever seen one person consume so much food, not that he overate, but that I was not prepared to feed a guy.  Will definitely have to think that one over before the next visit, I'll have to stock up for sure.

We cuddled each other quite a bit while he was here, I knew that I enjoyed cuddles, but this reaffirmed it.  My parents didn't cuddle me when I was little, so up until about a year ago, I assumed I didn't like cuddling.  I haven't really been one for physical touch, but having him around all the time made me realize why I didn't like it, and that in fact, I did like it.

I don't like it when it's coming from strangers, aka my parents, their touch seems horrid, and revolting, it makes me want to cringe, actually I made that mistake once when my mom hugged me, she did not appreciate it, at all.

But touches, if that's hand holding, or cuddles while watching Netflix, were welcome.  He was sitting at the table one day and I was in my bedroom doing something, a song came on Pandora and I stopped what I was doing to wrap my arms around him.

It was something that I had always thought was right for that song, finally being able to do it brought me to tears, I'm not sure he knows that though.

I learned that cooking with someone doesn't have to be annoying and bothersome.  Generally when I'd cook at my parents house, it'd either be picking up what one of them walked away and forgot about, or being told to do <insert action here> while they use the computer.  With him it was natural, it didn't seem like a forced interaction.

I guess to an extent, I learned what being in a loving household was like.

It really is something that I didn't realize I was missing.
Doing dishes, cooking, laundry, general living together actions.

Now that he has gone back home and has started his move to a new state for work, I find myself wondering if I'll ever end up with that kind of relationship again.

How can I work and align my life so that someday, I have someone to go home to?
Knowing that when I got home, there was going to be someone that was excited to see me, someone that knew the real me, and still wanted to be around.

I struggle with seeing why anyone would want to be around me.  I don't see that I'm in anyways special and sometimes I even think that people would be better off not being around me, because they'd be happier without me in their lives. I try not to dwell on the last thoughts, I know they aren't healthy.

For me, I can usually only expend a few hours on social interaction with someone before it becomes dire for me to spend time alone.
With him, that wasn't the case.
I was quite honestly shocked, but not surprised in reality.

It's lonely now that he's not here.  Sure I have the cat that he and I adopted, she's been a great help to me.  Since he left, she's one that keeps me healthy.  Having to feed/water her provides a moderate structure to my life.  At night, when my mind is allowed to wonder just before bed, sometimes it'll take me to a dark place, one night while he was here, I ended up crying while trying to fall asleep, she jumped up on the bed and comforted me.  I was so very thankful for her being here.

Last night, she decided to sleep in my closet instead of curled up at my side or behind my knees.  I guess how I'd describe that would be heartbreaking.  It's crazy to think that something can become natural and normal in such a short time span, but between cuddles at night and companionship, it was an empty feeling for sure.

Hilary doesn't totally fill the void that he left, but she does try, and for a cat, she does pretty well at it.

The other day, I was having a pretty bad time, where a human would have talked and comforted me, she just kinda looked at me with a face that said,"Mom, you need to play with me."  We played with a hair tie for a little bit and I think she figured out that wasn't what I needed because she quit playing and curled up next to my feet on the floor.

I just sat there petting her for a bit.
She was comforting, I greatly appreciate the company she provides.
It's a support that I haven't really had before.

After leaving him at the airport, I cried.
I cried as I hugged him the last time;
I cried as I was walking away;
I cried as I was driving home;
I cried as I got into bed alone;
and I fell asleep crying.

Crying isn't really something that is common for me;
I didn't cry and my grandma's funeral;
I didn't cry when I found out my mom had cancer;
I didn't cry when my dog died;
but I did cry when he and I parted.

I can't say they were 100% tears of sadness, because although it hurt, him having to leave, I was also crying happy tears, because it hurt, he having to leave.

Emotions aren't something that I'm use to expressing.
I learned what joy was in those twelve days, I learned happiness, sadness, confusion, comfort, and serenity.

I'm still not comfortable expressing emotions out loud, but I at least know that I have them now, and that's progress for me.

I'd been a fairly stoic and slightly somber person for a majority of my life, not really being happy, but not sad either, but not between the two either, because I hadn't known either.

I really think he showed me what it means to be human, and that I'm on my way to becoming human.

--Carson